As mentioned in part one of my review of Captain America: Brave New World, there is an assassination attempt on the President of the United States Of America. In case you don’t know, the United States Of America is a nation state south west of Greenland, well known for its vibrant culture, high cholesterol and bombing campaigns. In the film the president is played by a “going through the motions” Harrison Ford. You get the sense he’d rather be dangling heavy weights from his testicles rather than prostituting his artistic integrity in this vapid vehicle. In fact I’ve heard dangling heavy weights from his testicles is actually one of his favourite pastimes. Not many people know this, but according to anonymous sources, Ford is deeply involved in the BDSM scene in southern California.
It all started with that famous whip in Raiders Of The Lost Ark and the arousal he felt when he first gripped it. Within months of that film’s wrap party, he was wearing nipple clamps daily and attending well known fetish clubs with his comrade in kink, Danny Devito. Other anonymous sources have cited Burt Young, Dennis Franz, Saul Rubinek, Wallace Shawn, Pauly Shore and Dame Judy Dench as fellow travellers in this taboo world of pleasure. I do hope that acknowledgment of Harrison’s numerous and bizarre sexual perversions won’t cloud your view of this quite talented actor. I’ve sent him many letters and emails assuring him that his degeneracy is nothing to be ashamed of and if he is slightly embarrassed he could buy my silence with a large financial transaction. I haven’t heard back from him to be honest, which I took to be a tacit encouragement to keep spreading the news about his latex foibles.
Anyways, back to the film and the assassination attempt. The unwitting assassins have been brainwashed to kill whenever they hear a particular song. You might think it would be something from Justin Bieber’s back catalogue or the latest single from Bruno Mars, which could inspire in many of us a desire to maim and kill, especially if the victim was Justin Bieber or Bruno Mars. But no, the song is “Mr Blue” an old timey crooner song that used as a form of birth control before the invention of the pill.
The mastermind behind the assassination attempt is Samuel Stern. A chap you could safely say has fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. He is uglier than the last man left at a Cornish swingers party and his pallor looks like he’s undergoing the worst alcohol withdrawal symptoms since Oliver Reed. To visualise his face, think of the contents of Joe Biden’s adult diapers or Donald Trump's face towel after a good wipe, but green instead of orange. A disgusting, discoloured abomination that could turn the stomach of even the most mercenary of 90 day fiances. I had one of those once. Luckily I was able to return her before the expiry date.
The reason he's so unattractive is he’s been exposed to the Hulk’s blood, but just a small enough amount of the Hulk’s blood to make only his brain and head very green and very large. Which got me thinking, imagine if you could expose your penis to the Hulk’s blood, think of all the marriages that could be saved. That’s what our scientists should be working on, not Gain Of bloody Function, make my john thomas gain in girth and length and function like a pneumatic drill. I don’t know, just an observation.
Where was I? Oh yes, I couldn’t help but notice in this film that it’s the Japanese who are portrayed as the enemy nation, yet in real life American politicians never stop droning on about the threat from China. And this is of course because China happens to generate much larger audience numbers than Japan which turns into much larger revenue. It’s so heartwarming to see how cold, hard cash can make Hollywood executives see other nations in a new, more positive light. Perhaps this is the reason that Hollywood has finally started casting east Asian actors in their blockbuster films too, whereas before they were rarer than an unbroken hymen at a New Jersey wedding.
To wind things down, for the rest of the film, various things happen, the president has one final anger management meltdown and turns into the red Hulk. The red Hulk is like the green Hulk but with a very large birth mark. He smashes stuff, then resigns and is then visited by his daughter, Liv Tyler, who tells him about Steven Tyler’s pantie collection. I then hit the bar and have been drinking ever since!
