Deadpool & Wolverine | Comedy Review
HECKLED With Jokes
Deadpool And Wolverine. Now I’m Someone Who’s Never Publicly Admitted To Liking Superhero Movies Especially With Someone I'm Dating Because I Wouldn't Want Them To Lose Their Erection.
But I Did Like Deadpool. Lots Of Great Gags And I've Always Had A Soft Spot For Burn Victims. I Also Liked Logan. I Like The Bit Where Professor X Is Having A Brain Seizure, That Was The Most Realistic Depiction Of A Jager Bomb Hangover Ive Ever Seen.
I Also Like Ryan Reynolds. He's From Vancouver, Canada Where I Used To Live, Before I Was Deported For Being Slightly Interesting.
Vancouver Is Like The La Of Canada Without The Weather, Glamour, Excitement Or Career Opportunities…but It Does Manage To Hold On To The Incredibly High Prices
Ryan Reynolds Is Married To Blake Lively. They Were Both Voted By The Japanese Film Academy As The Show Business Couple With The Most Difficult Names To Pronounce. Lyan And Brake Made No Comment.
Hugh Jackman Hails From Australia. Which Like America And Canada, Is Another Ex Colony Down On Its Luck.
All The Moral, Religious British People Went To Canada And All The British Criminals Got Sent To Australia. And They Say Crime Doesn't Pay.
Still When Your About To Slip Into Unconsciousness In The Final Stages Of Hyperthermia On A Chilly Summer Night In Winnipeg At Least You Have The Comfort Of Knowing Your Ancestors Never Stole A Loaf Of Bread
Of Course Canadians Are Famous For Being Comedy Entertainers. For Example Their Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau Started His Career As An Al Jolson Tribute Act He Was Also In The Running To Be The New Face Of Uncle Ben's Rice. As Far As World Leaders Go, Only Barack Obama Spent More Time Pretending To Be Black.
Anyways Back To The Movie. It Starts With A Fight Scene Set To The Song Bye Bye Bye By Nsync Where Deadpool Kills A Group Of Men. Unfortunately Those Men Aren’t The Members Of Nsync Which Is Another Missed Opportunity.
He Then Tries To Join The Avengers But Gets Rejected. I'm Not Sure Why He Wants To Join. Maybe They Offer A Better Pension Plan. Or Access To Scarlett Johansson Underwear Drawer. Who Knows.
But Eventually He's Kidnapped And Taken To Meet His First Antagonist Who Is, And You Better Strap In For This One, A Posh English Guy. I Know Prince Harry Has A Lot To Answer For.
The Baddie Is Played By Matthew Mcfadyen, Who Also Played Mr Darcy In Pride And Prejudice. Another Movie I Really Enjoyed. Please Don’t Tell My Heterosexual Friends I Said That.
Anyways The Baddie Explains That The Particular Universe Will Be Destroyed Because Wolverine Died And He’s An Anchor Baby Or Anchor Butter Or Ankle Bracelet. It’s Confusing. Basically This Is The Bullshit They Came Up With To Revive Wolverine And Make The Hollywood Producers Loads More Cash
So Deadpool Has To Travel The Multiverse Looking For A Replacement Wolverine. And He Finds All Different Varieties. There's A Midget Wolverine, An Old Bidenesque Wolverine, A Hairdresser Wolverine, An 80s Hairmetal Wolverine, An ADHD Wolverine, A Wolverine With Chronic Acne In Fact The Types Of Wolverines Are So Diverse They Could Have Got Away With Playing The Dwarves In The New Snow White Movie.
Eventually He Finds The Right Wolverine Who Happens To Be A Belligerent, Misanthropic Alcoholic But He Also Has Many Bad Qualities Too.
And They Do Not Get Along And Argue Constantly. We’re Talking Trump And Zelensky In The Oval Office Levels Of Not Getting Along.
They Have Numerous Physical Altercations. And Stab Each Other Dozens And Dozens Of Times. Very Reminiscent Of A Friday Evening On A London Night Bus.
Then They Both Get Kidnapped And Taken To Meet The Main Baddie, Who Is Surprise, Surprise Hispanic…I’m Joking Its Another Posh English Person. This Time A Lady With A Bald Head Who Is The Sister Of That Chrome Dome, Professor X. Brother And Sister Both Bald As A Coot. I Don't Know What Shampoo They Used Growing Up But Clearly At Some Point They Should Have Changed Brands.
The Baddie Is Played By Emma Corrin Who Is Currently Dating Remi Malek. Remi Malek Is Known For Playing Freddie Mercury In Bohemian Rhapsody In A Unique Interpretation Where Decided To Exclude All The Charm, Charisma, Exuberance And Talent That Freddie Was Known For And Replace It With Autism.
Deadpool And Wolverine Fight The Sinead O'Connor And Then They Team Up With Another Brace Of Superheroes. In Fact The Marvel Cinematic Universe Seems To Contain More Superheroes Than A New Delhi Walmart On Black Friday Or Than A Tokyo Auction House That’s Selling Off Schoolgirls Underwear
All Of Them Team Up To Attack Sinead O'Connor. They Go Into This Strange Other Universe. A Universe That’s So Bizarre That Joker Part 2 Got Good Reviews. And Then They Have To Fight A Whole Bunch More Deadpools. There’s Big Breasted Deadpool, Small Penis Deadpool, That's The Same Character Actually. Deadpool Has To Fight With A Thousand Different Versions Of Himself. Kind Of Like A 15 Year Old Emo Kid Thinking About How To Lose His Virginity. There's A Deadpool Baby Whose Deadliest Weapon Was The Contents Of Its Diaper.
Anyway There's A Big CGI Fight And I Won't Tell You The End But You Can Probably Guess. It Was Good. I Recommend It Almost As Much As Using A Condom In Soweto. Go See It And Help Ryan Reynolds Help More Welsh Football Teams. Remember Being Welsh Is Not A Crime. They've Changed That Law Now.