Lilo & Stitch | Comedy Film Review | Part 1
HECKLED With Jokes
Well this should be easy. I now have to make lots of hilarious, hard hitting jokes about a 6 year old orphan girl and an illegal alien. Luckily, to add a bit of light relief, I’ll also be discussing the plight of indigenous communities. So open up your ears and get your lawsuits ready because here we go.
The plot of the film is pretty simple. A posh English lady, who for some reason looks like an inexpensive sex toy, is very, very angry. The reason she is angry is that a mad scientist has created a small furry monster that is indestructible. That’s right, a small furry monster that is indestructible! I know what you’re thinking. That also sounds like a sex toy. In fact a bloody good one! But once again, I’m getting side-tracked.
Before I continue, I should mention that this isn’t happening in Boise, Idaho or Belgium or some other scintillating place like that, oh no. The characters I’m talking about are actually aliens and this is happening in a far flung corner of the galaxy. Very far flung. Put it this way, if Betelgeuse is the rectum of the Universe, this place is about 50 million light years up it. And if you ever plan on visiting, finding parking anywhere near Orion’s Belt is a complete nightmare, so make sure you bring your “improvised” disability badge, or message me if you want to purchase one.
The posh English lady that looks like a sex toy is actually the Grand Councilwoman of the Galactic Federation. Yes, no matter where you go in the universe there’s some old battle-axe dishing out orders. And as I mentioned, she’s very angry at a mad scientist. He's an evil sociopath hellbent on destruction and refuses to take responsibility for his actions. Remember Dr Fauci from COVID. Well he's exactly the opposite of him. And this evil scientist has been fooling around with lots and lots of DNA, by that I don’t mean he’s been writing his name on his stomach with it, I mean he’s been splicing genes and mucking about with chromosomes and the like. And I don’t blame him, I love chromosomes too. I even asked Santa to get me an extra one for my birthday but I guess he was too busy having a legover with Mrs Claus that day, the swine.
Anyways, the nothing like Fauci scientist guy has created a little furry life form that he’s named Experiment 626 (he seems to have consulted the Elon Musk book of baby names) And this little critter is, how should I put it, an acquired taste. Imagine seeing a koala bear that’s on PCP, while you’re on PCP and that should give you the general impression of the thing. It’s ugly, it’s violent, it’s aggressive. It’s basically a Glaswegian toddler with blue fur but just like a Glaswegian toddler you can’t help but (pretend to) love the little guy.
For some reason, the Galactic sex toy Karen is furious about Experiment 626’s creation, so she locks up the scientist and exiles the creature. Perhaps she doesn’t want any competition in the ”looking like a sex toy” fetish scene. Who knows? And yes, I realise I’ve been milking this sex toy joke for too long and it wasn’t even that funny to begin with but I need to pad this out. So then, the plucky little creature escapes, by stealing a galactic police vehicle and doing a runner. Showing that even at the other end of the galaxy, police are just as competent as they are here. Or maybe, while 626 was making his great escape, they were out hitting little green people over the head with billy clubs or wolfing down some zero gravity donuts. The thick blue waistline, as they say. Either way he somehow makes it all the way to planet Earth and crash lands in Hawaii, thinking that he’s safe at last, knowing the total disregard and lack of interest the Galactic Federation has for our planet. For them, Earth is totally and utterly inconsequential. It’s very similar to America's relationship to Canada in a way or how my ex-girlfriends feel about me.
Hawaii, where the action now unfolds, is a beautiful place. It’s famous for its picturesque beaches and infamous for its destruction of the pizza. Something the people of Italy shall never forgive the Hawaiians for. In fact, it’s not well known, but Italy has placed strict sanctions on Hawaii ever since that first pineapple chunk hit that first margarita pizza. It’s been a diplomatic fiasco, and yet, Hawaii has refused to give in and escalated things even further, when, on a dark day in 1972, they added mango slices to a lasagna. We should all just thank God the Italians don’t have nuclear weapons.
Hawaii is also well known for its world class surfing. Not that this is a sport that should be taken lightly, it can be very dangerous. Famously, Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys was surfing on the North Shore, when he came off his board and hit his head on the coral reef so hard he actually regained his sanity for 2 days.
Now back to the film, where a little 6 year old indigenous Hawaiian girl called Lilo lives with her 18 year old big sister, Nani. There is a 12 year age gap between them so I guess we can assume their parents didn’t have the most passionate of relationships. Bill and Hillary Clinton have probably had a more eventful love life. Unfortunately, for some reason, the sisters’ parents are not around and we never really find out why. I have a hunch that their parents might have been Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, a married couple who were convicted of spying for the Soviet Union and then executed for treason. I don’t have cast iron proof of this, it’s just a feeling. The Rosenbergs are two of the most well known Hawaiians, along with Woody Allen, Rodney Dangerfield, Marc Chagall, Shecky Green, Larry David, Mel Brooks and Moses. As far as I remember, I’m pretty sure these people all hail from the fiftieth state but don’t quote me on it. Let me know in the comments.
As she has no parents, Lilo has a social worker assigned to her case, but because we’re in Hawaii, this is a relatively positive thing. If Lilo lived in the United Kingdom there’s a very high likelihood her social worker would sell Lilo and her organs to organised crime. UK social workers are, for lower class children, one of the deadliest institutions known to mankind, along with the UK police force and UK local politicians. Luckily for these institutions, the British lower orders are not allowed to raise any complaints about this situation or they will face a firing squad immediately. But don’t worry, upper class children in the UK are completely safe and, if we’re honest, that’s the only thing that really matters, isn’t it. Thankfully, the social worker in Hawaii is very kind. She also happens to be Tia Carrere, Wayne’s girlfriend from Wayne’s World. Remember her? I guess she moved into child services, as playing bass in a band while wearing only lingerie must have a limited employment shelf life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll often hop on stage at an open mic to play maracas and I’m only wearing the simplest of g-strings and nothing else, but there’s definitely no money in it, even when I pass the hat around.
To support them both, in the evening, Lilo’s sister Nani, does the Hula Hula dance for customers for money. That's not a euphemism for sex work by the way. That’s literally what she does. It is Hawaii, after all. Coincidentally, I too, will often hop on stage at an open mic and do the hula hula dance, while, once again, wearing only the simplest of g-strings and nothing else. I have made some money from this but it was after the show and for certain services I performed, the details of which, I’d rather not go into. Which reminds me, you may not know this but the Hula Hula is actually a mating dance. Unfortunately, as it was devised by the same people who thought putting pineapple on pizza was a good idea, the birth rate on Hawaii is, of course, plummeting.
Stay tuned for part 2 coming soon!