The Amateur | Satirical Film Review | Part 2
HECKLED With Jokes
Our hero Rami Malik travels to Marseilles, world renowned as the one of the best places on earth to meet a sailor on shore leave, down by the docks.
In Marseilles, he goes to a nightclub. Which Is another one of the best places on earth to meet a sailor on shore leave.
But instead of meeting a sailor he ends up blowing the toilet up. I'm not a fan of EDM music either but I think that's taking it too far. Everyone’s a critic. The DJ could have suffered brain damage, although brain damage has been known to improve a DJs IQ.
So like a lot of people coming out of a club he fancies going for a kebab, so next thing you know he’s in Istanbul. The spiritual birthplace of the kebab. The first place they went into an abattoir swept up all the contents lying on the floor and turned into a giant upside down traffic cone of botulism.
I don’t know how he got to Istanbul. Maybe he got a budget airline flight. The types that charge you one euro for a flight but an extra 300 euros to land. With an airport that is usually on a different continent from the place you're trying to get to.
He looks at his to-do list and he realises, along with some grocery shopping and a Pilates class, he’s got 3 more terrorists to kill.
We don't know how he plans to kill them but I had a hunch. I couldn’t help but notice, like a lot of people who work for the American government, he really, really seems to like blowing things up.
You know, some people love gardening or stamp collecting but when he followed his bliss, there just happened to be a lot of semtex at the end of it. He’s a nerdy guy who likes explosives, a real life Napoleon Dynamite.
Anyways, the next guy he blows up is in a swimming pool on top of a hi-rise in Madrid. The entire pool of water comes crashing down onto the ground along with shards of glass and the terrorist. And I kind of felt sorry for the terrorist. Imagine drowning while you’re being blown up. It’s like shitting yourself while you’re vomiting. A double whammy. We’ve all been there.
But I have to say after the night club and the swimming pool I was starting to get the impression our hero is not exactly a stickler for health and safety. Cyclists have more concern for passers-by than this guy. Okay, maybe he’s not as psychopathic as a cyclist but he’s still pretty bad.
To find the next guy he has to travel to yet another country, which is great for us in the audience. Who knew you could combine all this mass murder with so much sightseeing and CO2 emissions.
The penultimate guy he blows up is in Romania. Another beautiful European country where Vlad the Impaler comes from. You know him and that reminds me of an inspirational message I once heard. Never give up on your dreams. Vlad the impaler was 37 before he started impaling people.
Isn’t that beautiful? My teacher told me that when I was 14, right after she slept with me. She was so inspiring, I really felt bad reporting her to the police.
By the way, we sell that heartfelt message on a t-shirt. The link is in the description or prescription or liposuction
Anyways I should give you a spoiler alert. Although if you’ve come this far you probably don't give a shit what happens.
Basically he finds the head guy on a boat in the Baltic sea. That’s right, the Baltic Sea. Personally if I was making money from international terrorism I'd be hoovering up the devil’s dandruff in the Caribbean not eating pickled herring off the coast of Finland but each to his own.
But get this, Rami doesn't kill the head terrorist. No, he lets the Finnish police arrest him. Which means if the guy’s convicted he'll probably have to serve up to three months in a prison slash health spa, with free massages and hand relief for good behavior, until finally he’s released and asked politely not to commit murder again. You know how harsh the Scandinavians can be.
There is more stuff that happens but I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Okay, I’ll tell you, it’s the end credits.