THUNDERBOLTS* | Part 2 | Comedy Film Review

HECKLED With Jokes

As I said in part one of this review, the main character in the film is a nice young lady called Yelena Belova who hails from that sunny, tourist hotspot known as Siberia in Russia. Famous for its extremely short winter days and extremely long prison sentences for anyone Joseph Stalin could think of while eating his cornflakes. For our younger audience members Joseph Stalin was a man with a moustache in the first half of the twentieth century who acquired a lot of power and utilised it in very unique ways. Imagine a social media influencer who uses lots and lots of firing squads to gain likes. He was also a confirmed music lover and musician, he was famous for the extended bongo solos he would take on political prisoners’ testicles, he once used a small village in Vladivostok to stage a production of Joseph and The Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat where the entire orchestral score was recreated using machine gun fire and explosives and is suspected to have had the inventor of the Kazoo ground up and made into borscht as an unusual way of thanking him for his contribution to the arts. Quite a rambunctious character I think you’ll agree and one of our most beloved megalomaniacal mass murderers. Georgia really knocked it out of the park when they gave us Joe and, let’s not forget, James Brown too.

Now Yelena, remember her, and her sister Natasha Romanova, when they were young, were Black Widows, which was the code name used for childhood assassins. They used their cunning and girlish charm to execute people in cold blood at the behest of the Russian government. Unfortunately because of the long list of brutal murders they carried out, many were the Christmases that the two lovable scamps ended up on Santa’s naughty list and this left some emotional scarring it has to be said. One Yuletide, the sisters were particularly looking forward to receiving the Soviet version of a Barbie Doll; Proletarian Agrarian Field Worker AL16, but as they’d played a particularly bloodthirsty part in quashing the Hungarian Uprising, Saint Nick left only one rivet in each of their stockings….and it didn’t even come with instructions. I must say, I did find their backstory quite fascinating and it was good to see Marvel trying to finally take away at least some of the stigma from the use of child labour. I’ve been a passionate advocate of child labour for years. Children have so much energy to offer and it’s a terrible waste to not put it to use. Physically, they also have tiny hands which seem perfectly designed for sewing together running shoes or sportswear in general. If Kanye West had access to child labour, imagine all the swastika shaped running shoes he could produce. And imagine what a boon the extra profits would be to his love life, because never forget, even when you are incredibly rich, many, many women are still quite reluctant to date you if you are psychotic.

The actor playing Yelena is Florence Pugh and although she has a surname that sounds like an exclamation used when you open your teenage son’s bedroom door for the first time in 3 months, she is actually quite charismatic and brings a gravitas and depth to her role above and beyond the usual superhero fare and purveys a likable down to earth quality. In other words, I assumed she would be shit but she isn’t. Ms. Pugh’s star seems to be on the rise so I did a long and sustained and comprehensive deep dive into her background and personal history by skimming over a few paragraphs on her Wikipedia page and was truly stunned by what I read. It said and you can quote me on this, especially as I just copy and pasted it directly from the Wikipedia page, that Florence, are you ready for this, strap in, here we go “is concerned with social issues.” That’s right, you heard correctly, a young actor is concerned with social issues. I nearly fell off my seat. This was truly incredible. I mean I think we’ve all been impressed with the struggles of Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela but now I realise that Florence had decided to join those illustrious forebears on the most difficult course in life she could possibly take, by joining in the fight for human justice and dignity. It’s akin to Che Guevara’s months on the run in the Bolivian Andes, or Greta Thunberg trying not to get ID’d when she wants to buy alcohol. Now, as you would expect, her concern for social issues was chiefly devised as a PR exercise by her agent and publicist in the usual manner, as it is for all younger stars in show business, but what really threw me off is she actually seems to have had some input into the social issues she was supposed to be concerned about. That’s the level of commitment we’re talking about here. She told them that she wanted her public to know that she was concerned about body shaming and after I read this, dear readers, is when I decided that this review should take a dramatic left turn. It was as if a light went on in my head. I thought to myself, at last, I’ve finally, finally found a kindred spirit. And who knows, maybe destiny itself was at work also. Perhaps the reason I watched this Thunderbolts film was not just so my review could get 7 views on YouTube and one read on Substack (not including my mother). No, perhaps I watched it because it would introduce me to someone who could finally look at me without judgement, without scorn. So I decided to compose the heartfelt missive below and send it to what I assume is her email address; florence@thunderbolts.wordpress.com. Here it is…….

Dear Florence. I’m getting in touch with you after reading about your brave stance on body shaming. I think in you, I’ve finally found someone who will look beyond just my appearance, someone I can open up with and be vulnerable. The last few weeks have been difficult. Last month, my doctor informed me that I'm currently clinically obese and for some reason and totally uncalled for, she added quite hurtfully that I had voluminous man breasts too. This was doubly hurtful and mystifying as the reason I’d made the appointment in the first place was to enquire about possible treatment for my chronic erectile dysfunction and had nothing to do with my general physique. And I also feel referring to a patient as fat boy, porker and lard-ass seems to be about as far away from an acceptable bedside manner as one can possibly imagine. Anyways now that I understand you to be someone who looks beyond the physical, that you are someone who looks within the souls of others for spiritual sustenance, I think I should let you know that, after many days of introspection, I feel I am open to the suggestion of a possible relationship with you. Now, please, please don’t get your hopes up as I am still very fragile right now but I think, if we take our time and you behave with the integrity and gentleness you seem to possess, there might just be a smidgeon of hope for us. Of course, the burden of our courtship should not fall entirely on your shoulders, I must play a part also. For example, I’ve started to be more diligent with my personal hygiene and am, without exception, showering on the 31st day of every calendar month that has one. This is especially effective during the balmy summer months of July and August. I must say, I feel very positive about our future bond and as a treat for you and to set your anticipation to overload I’m sending you many, many photographs of the various magnificent fish I’ve caught on my angling escapades. I can regale you with hours and hours of exhilarating tales of fishing and fishing related adventures and can’t wait to do so. So as two soul mates in waiting, and, as it’s June 10th, only 51 days to my next shower, I humbly await your reply.

Find out in part 3 what transpires…..